i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
