you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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