4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
