drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
