he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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