Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
