Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
