we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You can't just leave with hair like that
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
