She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
