Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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