If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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