Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
