I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
