I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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