I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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