Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I touched a dick in church today
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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