You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
