I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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