Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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