Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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