Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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