The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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