I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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