Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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