he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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