She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You can't special order awesome
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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