Umm I'm too high to move.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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