How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
