Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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