dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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