Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
