I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
