It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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