When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
