Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
