he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
