please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
