My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
