Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
