I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
