Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
