Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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