I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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