He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I pour the whiskey from now on
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
