I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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