I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
