There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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