so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
