Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
