Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
