so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
