96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
