nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
