Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Even my vagina gasped.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
